Mettā for a Cold Heart

Metta for a Cold Heart!
A cold heart is the antithesis of the friendly goodwill of metta. The coldness may
seem impenetrable, but if we mindfully follow the process of enmity we might see
how it is generated by greed, hatred and delusion. We may notice the enticement
of delusive, unanswerable questions like „why did this happen …how could you
do this?‟ the seductive longing for the downfall or our enemy, as well as self-
judgement which condemns such vengeance. As we let the thoughts go we might
feel ourselves caught in a sore, hurting state. Vengeance pulling the heart and
mind and flesh in one direction, self-judgement blocking their path, delusion
compounding the misery with its attempts at explanation. If we watch all this
drama until we see that this is self-torture, then we accept defeat. We cannot
knowingly torture ourselves forever. At that point it‟s often possible to find,
buried within the confusion and humiliation of defeat, the willingness to move
towards peace, to acknowledge what is good both in ourselves and in our enemy.
Thus vipassana naturally undermines our tendency towards enmity and develops
our capacity for friendliness and forgiveness. But the seeds of greed, hatred and
delusion are sown deep within us, and the whole battle can be re-enacted with
even the slightest encouragement. Metta, the Buddha taught, is the antidote to
hatred. We develop goodwill for ourselves and others by repeating phrases such
as „May I / you be well & happy’. A sense of kindness may arise and we might feel
our body soften. These healing feelings further encourage us towards peace and
reconciliation.
Sometimes a deep seed of hatred can be excavated by meditation practice or by
some traumatic life event. At those times, practicing metta may be even more
painful than vipassana as we feel ourselves squirm away from any possibility of
goodwill or trust or forgiveness. Instead of feeling soft and warm we may feel the
tension of anger rising and gripping us. The words „May I / you be well’ may
seem ridiculous and be rejected in derisive scorn. This can lead to even deeper
turmoil. How rotten can I be that I can‟t even wish myself well, or my friends or
family, or even my dog!
At such times I find it helpful to remember the words of Thomas Merton, „Prayer
and love are learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and your heart
has turned to stone.‟ I encourage myself to see cold-heartedness as a revelation of
deep suffering, a state to be honoured rather than despised. If we saw a dog
injured on the roadside, would we kick it and say “You disgusting animal, clean
up that wound before I see you again.” But yet we can easily compound our
emotional hurt with such self-disgust. I try to tread very carefully here – noting
the self-disgust, the wish to turn away, as well as the turmoil or coldness I am
turning from. Sometimes the words of metta may seem aggressive – a desperate
attempt to cover up a wound even with a dirty bandage. If so I relax as best I can
into the simple experience of the hurting state. Sometimes it can seem OK to
receive goodwill from friends, family (or the dog!). At other times receiving is also
out of bounds. But if I keep gingerly investigating my condition I may eventually

find a chink in my armour. Then I might be able to turn towards my closed heart,
saying perhaps “For as long as you need to be closed that‟s OK, I‟m willing to
wait, I will wait.” Even the coldest heart-states ultimately succumb to patience.