Extending the Limits of Good-Will
Original source: satipanya.org.uk
Noirin Sheahan offers an honest and relatable examination of how good-will (mettā) can be compromised when we encounter difficult people or situations that 'push our buttons.' Through the vivid example of a neighbourly visit gone wrong, she illustrates how quickly irritation can infiltrate our well-intentioned actions, leading to self-righteous anger and interpersonal conflict.
The essay demonstrates how meditation practice provides crucial insight into these emotional patterns, showing how the body's wisdom can guide us toward shame and forgiveness rather than defensive pride. Sheahan explores the kammic consequences of ill-will and the challenging but necessary work of recognizing our own role in creating suffering through self-centring and rigid attachment to 'my way.'
Practical guidance emerges through three key strategies: examining the untested assumptions that skew our good-will toward self-interest, strengthening sati (mindfulness) to catch irritation before it solidifies into defensive patterns, and cultivating the courage to turn away from familiar territories of self-justification toward the unfamiliar freedom of genuine openness. This teaching offers valuable insight for anyone working to develop authentic loving-kindness that can withstand real-world challenges.
Extending the limits of good-will.
People who push my buttons show me the limits of my good-will and I find this very
humiliating! For example - good-will suggests that I visit an elderly neighbour. It‟s a
lovely day, I just know she would appreciate being taken for a drive and walk, maybe
lunch in a café. (In retrospect I might see that I didn‟t know this at all – I just assumed
so!) Instead I find her morose, not particularly welcoming, and am quickly saddled with
sheets that needed washing and ironing. Into the heart of good-will, irritation insinuates
itself quietly.
Oh that I could simply be aware of the irritation, or that my heart would go a step further
and choose compassion instead! Compassion for myself, in my disappointment and
injured pride. Compassion for my neighbour trapped in bad humour. From that a
gracious willingness to help may emerge, and in all likelihood we would both cheer up
naturally.
But what if irritation sets itself up as master without my noticing? A supposedly helpful
suggestion comes out as a barked order: „Don’t do it that way‟. My neighbour snaps
back: ”You’re doing it all wrong, let go and I’ll show you” and we both tighten into our
respective knots of „my way‟, glowering at one another. The kamma of ill-will has been
set in motion and how hard it is to stop! Angry, self righteous thoughts storm through
“She has no right to make me do this work… no wonder she gets so few visitors … she
hasn’t a clue how to look after herself…” Somewhere in the midst might be a sinking
shame for having let the visit deteriorate into a dog-fight. A recognition that I have let
myself be caught in the powerful bind of self-centring. Once caught, how much effort it
can take to refuse to tighten the smug binding of my way, my opinions versus her
ridiculousness, her hopelessness. By comparison, shame‟s suggestion feels humiliating:
that my neighbour is simply someone who I am rejecting in anger?
Sitting in meditation, memories like these come up. Letting go of thoughts, the body
finds it easier to relax into shame than to tighten into self-righteousness. Perhaps that‟s
what we mean by „body wisdom‟ – our body can lead us to truth which our logic can
deny. In time shame eases into forgiveness and a deeper commitment to good-will. Then,
when it comes to neighbourly visits that degenerate into dog-fights, I can no longer
pretend there is no option but to stew in self-righteous anger. Eventually I might
summon the energy for an embarrassed smile and an apology for having made a fuss.
Very often this is rewarded by a kindly response, and we might both be relieved to find
ourselves back in the happier, easier realm of friendliness.
Three ways I can extend the limits of good-will: Spot the untested assumptions which so
easily creep into the heart of good-will, skewing thoughts towards my happiness rather
than my neighbours. Strengthen mindfulness so that I spot irritation before it creates a
tight familiar world of my way, my opinions etc and from which all intruders must be
repelled. Turn away from that familiar world whenever I find myself defending it,
groping my way towards an unfamiliar freedom where there are no intruders and
nothing to defend.