Relationships
Original source: satipanya.org.uk
This teaching examines how our deepest happiness emerges not from solitary pursuits but through meaningful relationships with others. Bhante Bodhidhamma explores the Buddha's wisdom on cultivating harmonious relationships, drawing particularly on the example of Venerable Kassapa's approach to communal living among the saṅgha. The essay addresses the reality that all relationships require ongoing effort and skillful navigation through difficult periods, noting that even marriage succeeds only one-third of the time, yet emphasizing how working through challenges deepens our connections.
The core teaching centers on the Buddha's counsel about acting sometimes for ourselves, sometimes for others, and ideally for both. Through Kassapa's daily practice of setting aside personal preferences to consider what others want to do first, we learn a profound method of generous love that loosens our attachment to rigid plans while creating space for others to express themselves. This skillful means (upāya) transforms potential conflict into cooperation and prevents resentment from taking root.
The practical application extends beyond formal meditation to daily life, showing how Right Action and loving-kindness (mettā) manifest in our closest relationships. Rather than viewing relationship difficulties as failures, this teaching reframes them as opportunities for deeper spiritual practice and genuine happiness through selfless service to others.
Our lives are spent mainly in the company of the othersand doing things. If we can rate our happiness by our relationships, perhaps we are on a surer footing.When people enter into a relationship, it always has some purpose beyond the present gratification. It has a long term aim. It may be a simple friendship – friends who meet to shop, to walk, to talk. Some may form a partnership to set up a business, or a charity. It may be quite a small enterprise or just getting together to help someone.We may form deeper relationships as partners and spouses, as parents and guardians of children. These are much longer term commitments.Such relationships are never ‘happy’ from start to finish. After the first flush of joy, the work starts to ‘make it work’. And at times it can be very difficult as we find the other has different ideas, different aims and so on. When it comes to marriage, two out of three fail. Some may judge this as a measure of our ‘broken society’. But considering how difficult it is for individuals to be together, we should instead marvel that so many continue lifelong.Working with the other through difficult patches makes for a deeper relationship. The deeper our relationships, the more nourishing they are.The Buddha tells us that sometimes we do things that are good for ourselves, at other times, good for others and at others good both for ourselves and others.On a visit to a small group of three monks, the Buddha asks the head monk how it is they live so peacefully with each other. Ven. Kassapa replies that every morning he says to himself, ‘What if I put aside what I want to do and do what the others want to do.’We can see the wisdom in this approach. It allows us to loosen our grip on tightly held plans and ideas and allows the other to feel free to express theirs. Of course, for this to work, all involved must have the same attitude.This is such a wonderful skilful means the Buddha offers us. To put aside what we want to do until we have found out what the other/s wants to do, is an act of generous love.Even at times when we have to agree to differ, this attitude supports co-operation and undermines resentment.